Have you ever had the experience of laying in bed, willing yourself to sleep, but you just can’t reach that sweet place of zzz’s because your brain won’t stop pondering, ‘if politicians were foods, what would they be?!’ Worry no longer, because I’ve got you covered.
Tony Abbott: Aaaaah, the Abz. He tried so hard to be the republican that Australia neither wanted nor needed.
Is it any surprise that his spirit food is an onion. I mean…
Onions make you cry, shrivel up if you leave them in the sun for too long and give off a pungent aftertaste. Abz all over. What was he trying to compensate for by eating a raw onion anyway? Oh, that’s right, literally his whole self.
Donald Trump: Now here is a republican that some Americans do want (literally wtf?!) but certainly do not need. Comparable, in fact, to a Durian.
For those who aren’t aware, durians are fruits native to Malaysia and Indonesia – they’re yellow, they’re spiky and they stink. like. crap. They actually smell so bad they’re banned on public transport in Singapore. Some people, though, against their better judgement, love them. How similar to the Donald – clearly full of shit, razor edged to the touch yet still revered by some special citizens, for whatever ungodly reasons.
Pauline Hanson: What can one possibly say about Pauline. There are so many things, actually, but all are just as offensive as her existence and NSWF. Pauline is undeniably the Scalliwag biscuit.
On surface value this may seem confusing. A chocolate biscuit, so delicious and joy-filling, how on earth can that be comparable to racist, confused Pauline?! Well, pals – who remembers what Scalliwags used to be called. If you forget, look here. That’s right, epitomised by a racial slur – just like Pauline! Scalliwags were discontinued due to unpopularity, but unfortunately it doesn’t seem Hanson is heading down the same road – she just keeps coming back for more.
Bernie Sanders: Confession, I am feelin’ the Bern. What a guy! White, male, straight AND awesome – he’s shootin goals. Drumroll, please…
Oh, of course – he’s a marshmallow! The resemblance is uncanny – so soft, so comforting and always doin’ what’s best for the people. Definitely one of the better choices for the American economy and reception in general. Okay, I think I may have moved away from marshmallows there, but you get the point.
Vladimir Putin: I had to consider this one for a while, but I am certainly happy with my decision. Vladamir, ladies and gentlemen, is Fugu. Before you click away in confusion, let me explain…
Fugu is essentially a meal prepared from poisonous pufferfish, proving deadly if one tiny mistake is made:
Surely I am not the only one who feels like that sentence is not about fish, but actually about the Russian dictator. The resemblance is uncanny, right?
Let’s shift our focus back to the lady pols for just a second. No serious political analysis, such as the one I am currently undertaking, would be complete without the infamous Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin: She’s great, at least for entertainment value. To be more specific, actually, Tina Fey’s impression of Palin is great for entertainment. Palin herself? Well, just let her recent endorsement of Trump (the durian) speak for itself.
Oh, my god. She never ceases to amaze me. Palin, I must say, is none other but the poppy seed. This may not seem quite sinister enough, but that’s why it is perfect. You know when you eat a poppy seed roll, and you can feel in your soul that a goddamn seed is wedged between your two front teeth, and no matter how much elbow grease you apply the little bastard refuses to move. Well, that’s just like Palin in politics – she looks innocent, sounds like an insane Dr Seuss and is frustratingly inescapable.
It seems not even a tooth pick or floss is gonna shift this one. Hopefully Palin will stay put in Alaska, visiting only her next door neighbours, Russia, and perhaps even pipe down *fingers crossed*.
Last, but not least…
Barack Obama: probably the coolest politician known to man. He’s been on Ellen, he’s used the Lion King to prove his bad assery and he bloody loves his wife. He truly is a smooth operator. For this reason, he is none other but:
The humble and delicious apple pie. Lil bit of pastry, lil bit of sugar and a whole load of sweet, juicy vitamin C. He may be looking slightly more dishevelled than his first day in office, but Obama still stands as the gentle and moral
apple pie president.
Now you can all sleep easy, knowing that the politician/food mystery has been solved.